Monday, June 22, 2009

on farewells



I've never known how to say a proper goodbye. I've never been good at it. When things come to an end, I just turn my head and walk away with a terrible ease, it frightens me. It does not mean that separation and distance will not pain me but that they hurt me so deeply that I simply cannot show a trace of emotion. Goodbyes freeze a part of me so I prefer to remain quiet and walk away. I feel as if I was constantly running from everything that has ever mattered in my life. I never return to who I once was, and that is one of the reason why I treasure the few things and lovers that stay with me over the years (it's so easy for me to just walk away, even if it breaks me to pieces). I have never set foot in former schools or former places I used to know, everything is gone and forgotten, everything fades away. Most days I'm a ghost to myself, I see places, streets and lovers but they are strangers, they are shadows. I have never know where my heart has been, all I know is that it's always this constant chase, this downpour of love without ever stopping to look back.

If we ever have to part, think of me as the little loveghost who won't shed a tear fearing it will turn him into a sea of sorrow.

painting by Romaine Brooks

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