Thursday, December 31, 2009

I too want to be waited for, smash the clocks until it’s time for me to come into the night. I want to be picked away like a lily and sheltered under the soft morning light until I can bloom & fill the rooms with my scent and candor. I’ve been so tired, I’ve given away every wish hoping that by the moment I was wish-less I’d be ready for a new life, but I am not ready now, I am broken and emptied, filled with my lovers’ ideals of who i am, yet above all things, i want to be loved for who I am and not for what i could be. I want to be waited for not because I have spent a long time hiding but because I am sacred and cherished like roses growing in the snow. I want to be rubies and gold, I want to be held and caressed with tenderness. I want to be hidden away from the human realm until I am ready to grow and love again. If I am anything at all is hopeful. Hoping I have learned a lesson, hoping I have memorized the story, hoping I will come back home following the breadcrumbs instead of the tears. I want to be forever caught into this dreaming of dreams, a neverending flight of fancy. If there is anything I’d want from this new year is peace. Beauty is never a worry, for beauty is always around, in my house, in the warm loving words I read most frequently from darlings and loved ones but I do want peace. I want to be sheltered from sadness and heartache, and I do know how terribly impossible this is but there is no waste in dreaming and hoping. In the times I have lived, no matter wherever I have been I have loved with heart and soul and this year and forevermore, I too want to be loved like I have loved.

If you’ve been around and are leaving, find the love I never could provide.

If you’ve been around and have left, I loved you in every way I knew how;

If you’ve been around long enough, I love you and thank you ever so for loving me!

Have the most wonderful new year darlings.!


I have been obsessed with this Pola Negri photograph for so long. I found it a couple of years ago in one of the marvelous books I've stolen over the years from my dad's library. I love her expression on it, (in my head) she looks so confident and sure about the things to come.

No matter the doom, there is always beauty...


a darling little sparkling creature gave this as a gift.
I am always excited to have new lovers and darlings in my life.

flowers of my december

Lilies are my favorite flower. I love having them around.

flowers of my december


pretty gifts from my brother, my mom and dad and myself :D


darling gifts from my loving isabird


darling presents from my dearest v*


Sometimes you bring me flowers...

If there ever was someone who could sing the secrets of my heart is Marissa Nadler

- the beginning

"He was tall, gracefully

he held my empty fingers

He was tall, gracefully

He filled my cold hard body

And I met him yesterday

Under the skies of azure

And I met him yesterday

Under my old umbrella

And turquoise was the colour of his eyes

And bitter wine the colour of my high"

from Under an Old Umbrella.

- the growing love

“Further and further

Are you growing now

Further and further

Is the spark

Further and further

Are you growing now

futher and further

My little lark

Ode, to my sweet one

In the days of the long run

In the fall looking among

The fields of green and blue

Where did you fly to

Little blue”

from My Little Lark

- the eroticism

“Oh to find
Another lover
Oh to lie
In the bed of another
Breaking the bread
And raising the silver there
With you

And I dreamed your face a million times
And I vowed to get you out
And I dreamed your face a million times
And I vowed to get you out
And I dreamed your face a million times
And I vowed to get you out
Of here”

From Mexican Summer

- the first goodbye

“But I wrote you letters by the phone
And I wrote you every night alone
But who are you walking around with

He was my lord
And I was his lady
But I soon grew tired of the lazy days
When I moved away and I thought of him often
He came to me nights in my rose colored dreams”

From Thinking of You

- the crushing love

“My love and I
Were walking down the road
In a dream that I had not so many years ago
And if my red blood will cease to flow
Your ghost may come where I will go
See you’re as good as dead to me
My holy ghost my savior tree
And if my red blood will cease to flow
Your ghost may come where I will go
Your dreary days
Your damsel days
Your water days
Are dying
Your dreary days
Your damsel day
Your desperate days are dead
Oh where will you go
When I , I loved you ever since
The day we slept in fields of poppies”

from My Love and I

- the loneliness

“And in my life of a girl
And their troubles in love
I'm a troubled, troubled heart

Thought I'd sing at the boats
"Trouble, away!"
But they swam back to me today
My troubles are never gonna leave me alone”

from Rosary

- the truth

“Call her name, she dreams of you
Send her your regards
In the flesh is what I want
But no, you're a weak man now
Where did you go, fantasy?
Were you lost in the haze?
Were you free?

Life is a rambling end
When you are gone”

from Brittle, Crushed and Torn

- the goodbye

“Sometimes you bring me flowers
A misery it seems to me
I don't want to live a day without you
Haunting my memory

Goodbye misery
Letters on the line
Goodbye misery
Letters on the line

Come in now, you know I won't desert you
It's been four years waiting for the day
That you would leave your girl and take me somewhere away

Summertime was hard
And I knew it on the spot
I would marry you some sunny day
But baby I know it’s strange
To end up this way
A mistress on a sunny day”

from Mistress