Sunday, January 30, 2011

♥ ruby ♥

My pillows are stained with the scent of you and powder blush. Back in Paris, you once told me I looked like a rose covered in frost when my face was bare and ready for slumber. In rare occasions you look at me without powders and shimmer on and I can always feel how your eyes stare for a long time without blinking trying to find the truth amongst all the mirages but darling mine, I am nothing but fairytales and tragedy in the shape of a boy who loves you and yearns for your touch.

All these memories flood me with such passionate rapture and when I least expect it, I must stop and rest, rest because this feeling of need, this burning sensation of missing & wanting you more than anything in my life, leeches off all of my energy. You’ve told me a thousand times “you brought me life when everything was dead around me” yet I can’t help but feel empty and consumed by your desire to outlive your fears.

I remember everything, darling, I am a secret romantic machine recording every night, every kiss, the way you hold a napkin, the imaginary print of your lips on a drinking cup, your eyes when they are filled with emotion, the way they roll back during lovemaking. I remember your hands tracing letters on my hips, you spelled “haunted” when I wanted you to spell “loved”. I remember the things you say as if they were a promise I vowed never to forget, I remember the desperation in your eyes, the dark ring of your lips kissing my flesh, my hands wrapped around your boy parts and the once-violet-then-maroon tiny vampire marks of your teeth on my thighs, I remember the way you slide and moan, the way your arms trap me into an insanely divine core of tangled limbs, blooming flesh and pleasure. I remember everything….

Some days, as I spend my time dreaming with the landmarks of our story, my head starts spinning like it usually does after I had too many glasses of champagne. there is a physical side to our love I’ve never been able to escape, I am a dark passage written by your hands, a wildflower turned into an opulent lily who won’t stop bleeding nectar and honey. If indeed death exists, may it come from your hands darling, gash me into scarlet pools of joy and sorrow and let me fade away into memories of a love that shall forever outlive my pale body.

Haunt me, keep me, kiss me, steal from me, make me blush in ecstasy, bleed me dry.

(illustration by Eveline Tarunadjaja)

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

♥ haunted ♥

love songs for the hopeful and the heartbroken

Monday, January 24, 2011

♥ baby swan ♥

“I’ve got my daddy’s eyes but you gave me your double vision...” sings this lovely tune I’ve loved for what feels like ages now. It is true, my eyes are just like my daddy’s but I wear glasses like my mom. My mama and I have always seen eye to eye in lots of things, we have the same drive, the same love for beauty, the same hysterical blindness and the same passion for love. My dad has been a rock I’ve always hidden behind but rocks hit hard and rocks do not answer when you talk to them. I wish I could say I’m a daddy’s boy but truly, I’m spoiled rotten on both sides. I’ve been a baby to everybody, I’ve been a swan, a flower and in terrible ways, it’s always been my way and my way only.

Such a dreadful thing to raise a child on the premise of undying love because love is rarely eternal and it’s never unconditional yet for many years, I did believe it could be this easy. These days, I believe love is more like a diamond brooch, it sparkles and dazzles like no other yet somewhere deep, there is a pin piercing the flesh so the little starry rocks can outshine everything else.

I rarely look at photographs of my childhood yet when I do, I feel a little blue, never because I had a sullen childhood because I was loved like no other but more because I used to look back on my mind and think of how much I’ve changed over the years but the truth is I’ve always been and probably will be the same boy. A boy with big brown eyes, honey hair and a pale moon-like face, a boy who has always been too soft yet made cruel by hardship, a boy who has kept too many secrets and who has never known better than to fall in love completely.

I never changed, even throughout my adolescence my face remained the same. I never became chiseled and rough, I don’t know if this happened because I wished so hard on every star but my face is still soft and round with cheeks like apples and big doll eyes.

If I could, I would go back in time and tell myself to take it slower. I dashed and ran as fast as I could to be big because I thought that when you were a grown up you got to do whatever you pleased and I’ve always been rather insolent so this idea really appealed to me back at that time yet there came a day when I realized I was all grown up yet I was still the same scared little darling inside...still wanting to be nudged and caressed and still afraid to go to sleep,

Silly darling moon boy, love once came, love once stayed and in moments of sorrow, this is the memory that will keep you afloat.

My brother and I

my most cherished childhood photograph


My mom (who was pregnant with my brother) and I

cutest piñata in the world

once pouty, always pouty

My baby brother (right) and I.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

♥ brittle love & bruises ♥

a mix on debilitating loneliness and far away lovers

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

♥ d.a.r.l.i.n.g. (part 1) ♥

where did you come from?
you're no stranger,
how I know
you will return
so I won't be sad

In that harbor of a room
you'll find your anchor soon
in the parting of our ways
may it never happen
any way