Monday, January 24, 2011

♥ baby swan ♥

“I’ve got my daddy’s eyes but you gave me your double vision...” sings this lovely tune I’ve loved for what feels like ages now. It is true, my eyes are just like my daddy’s but I wear glasses like my mom. My mama and I have always seen eye to eye in lots of things, we have the same drive, the same love for beauty, the same hysterical blindness and the same passion for love. My dad has been a rock I’ve always hidden behind but rocks hit hard and rocks do not answer when you talk to them. I wish I could say I’m a daddy’s boy but truly, I’m spoiled rotten on both sides. I’ve been a baby to everybody, I’ve been a swan, a flower and in terrible ways, it’s always been my way and my way only.

Such a dreadful thing to raise a child on the premise of undying love because love is rarely eternal and it’s never unconditional yet for many years, I did believe it could be this easy. These days, I believe love is more like a diamond brooch, it sparkles and dazzles like no other yet somewhere deep, there is a pin piercing the flesh so the little starry rocks can outshine everything else.

I rarely look at photographs of my childhood yet when I do, I feel a little blue, never because I had a sullen childhood because I was loved like no other but more because I used to look back on my mind and think of how much I’ve changed over the years but the truth is I’ve always been and probably will be the same boy. A boy with big brown eyes, honey hair and a pale moon-like face, a boy who has always been too soft yet made cruel by hardship, a boy who has kept too many secrets and who has never known better than to fall in love completely.

I never changed, even throughout my adolescence my face remained the same. I never became chiseled and rough, I don’t know if this happened because I wished so hard on every star but my face is still soft and round with cheeks like apples and big doll eyes.

If I could, I would go back in time and tell myself to take it slower. I dashed and ran as fast as I could to be big because I thought that when you were a grown up you got to do whatever you pleased and I’ve always been rather insolent so this idea really appealed to me back at that time yet there came a day when I realized I was all grown up yet I was still the same scared little darling inside...still wanting to be nudged and caressed and still afraid to go to sleep,

Silly darling moon boy, love once came, love once stayed and in moments of sorrow, this is the memory that will keep you afloat.

My brother and I

my most cherished childhood photograph


My mom (who was pregnant with my brother) and I

cutest piñata in the world

once pouty, always pouty

My baby brother (right) and I.

1 comment:

v* said...

these are so so lovely,
they almost made me weep of tenderness, oh.
i can't believe i never saw them,
you were definitely a baby swan,
and you still are at heart.
i love you ever so.